From Dating to Raising a Kid In 3 Months
Spoiler: I survived
I was in a couple relationships in the past, but none led to a future. Two years ago, I met my current partner (M, pronoun: they/them). We started dating a year later and things went very well. From the get go, our level of connection and investment were strong. The only worry I had was that M has a daughter from their previous relationship and things could get complicated.
M has been co-parenting with their ex since the divorce. The kiddo stays with her mom (M) one week then rotates to stay with her dad (the ex) the week after. As our relationship got serious, M was ready to introduce me to their daughter.
To tell the truth, I was more nervous to meet the kid than going on the first date. 🚸 My recent nomad lifestyle give me no clue about kids. My experience babysitting my siblings (we are 6 and 8 years apart) was vague in my mind.
That day, M let me in to the house and I saw the kiddo for the first time! A beautiful 30 month old girl who loves rainbows and tutus. 👧🏼🌈 I said hi with a big smile, but she completely ignored my eye contact. Throughout the day, I joined in on all the play and she started to open up a little at the end of the day. I called that a success!
Month 1: Observations 🧐
I approached parenting very similarly to my transition to management. I spend a lot of time talking to M about their experience and paid attention to the present challenges (known as terrible twos). I also volunteered to babysit my friends’ kid to learn a different style (everyone somehow trusts me easily to handle their children lol). Then, I started reading some of the expert books on child development.
M invited me more and more often to the house. During the playtime, I became another kid who sat down at her level and mimicked her sound. I found that direct play is the best way to bond and is a great time to observe her true nature. The kiddo was natural at motor skills but still lacking some communication and social skills. So the play looks like running around but not a lot of conversations.
When the kiddo struggled to communicate, the fun time turned into a tantrum.😔 I used the opportunity to observe M’s parenting style and see what works well. We had many open conversations about the strategies and together reflected upon how M’s parenting style derived from their mother’s.
Month 2: Principles 📚
After observing some parenting patterns, I started to craft my own style based on some principles I learned. One of the favorite quotes from the book called Montessori Toddler remains my mental model. It goes:
Parenting is like gardening. You plant seeds. You give them the right conditions. You let them grow. 🌱
This is very similar to how I think about people management. Setting up the right condition is the role of parents. The growing part is the kid’s job. Some other principles included:
Trust is the root of psychological safety (ref: from management experience)
Learn by doing. Kids take lead in activity (ref: Montessori Toddler)
Give freedom. Draw boundary. Act with consistency. (ref: Montessori Toddler)
High expectation but also high support (ref: Uniquely Human)
Misbehaving is a teaching moment. Connect first then redirect. (ref: No-Drama Discipline)
To me, the goal is not to raise a happy child, but to build an independent character. Happiness is just a side effect.
Thankfully, M and I are very aligned on these principles. We promise each other to keep our focus on the delayed gratification (even it hurts to see the kid cry).
Month 3: Practice 🧪
To put the principles into practice, we started by setting up the right environment that empower the kiddo. For example, moving her utensils and cups to a lower drawer that she can reach so she doesn’t need to ask for help. Inviting her to peel the oranges 🍊, open the door, and vacuum the floors are a couple of first steps toward independence.
The first time the kiddo successfully put on her own socks 🧦 on was a very exciting moment for her and us! However, it got old quickly. She figured that it’s much easier to ask for help when we are around. That’s when it hit us:
Teaching independence requires patience and consistency. We have to remind ourselves that anything we do sets the precedent for the future. It changes the way we behave entirely. 😮
To make things easier for both parents and kids, we crafted our new routines, taking advantage of Power of Habits. For example, we always take off our shoes 👟 before walking inside the house. We also adapt the routine to be less rigid. For example, the morning routine is peeling a boiled egg 🥚 and singing a song. She can pick her own songs but having breakfast at the table is the fixed routine. Same as the bedtime story, she can pick the books but we limited them to four a night (otherwise, she never goes to bed). 🥱
Today
It has been a year since then, but I still learn new things everyday. I continue to plant more seeds and squish the bugs in our garden.🪲 I felt that surprisingly my management experience translated well to parenting.
Today, I feel thoroughly grateful to be raising a child with someone who fully trusts and supports me to grow in the mama role.💟 Those difficult days as parents ensure me that our relationship can endure and we are a great team together.
Following the last week format, I will append my weekly update at the end of each post.
Past week (Mar 20-26)
🧗♀️ Training
Run - We did super slow 3 miles jog around Green Lake.
Bouldering - Did one hard session without finger pain. Yay!
Arms & Finger - Reading Training for Climbing by Eric J. Hörst and come to the very ambitious plan.
🎨 Hobby
Painting - The sketch and sky coloring is done.
[missed] Influencing - I didn’t quite draft the script but I set up my linkTree and did some brainstorm.
👩👩👧 Family
Car - Our new RAV4 has arrived! We asked ChatGPT if we should pay Toyota $1900 for the 5-years maintenance. The answer will be in the next Newsletter.
Kiddo - Registration for toddler soccer is a race in itself. ⚽ It was full within the first couple of minutes but we got her in! We also did the preschool re-evaluation and waiting on the result.
This week (Mar 27- April 2)
✈️ Travel weak
Joshua Tree National Park - We will be climbing there from Tuesday until next Monday. We will meet up with some friends to do bouldering, sport and trad climbing.
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