The Paradox of Parenthood
My short answer to whether kids would bring you more happiness
My partner asked me, 'What was your proudest moment in the past month?' I scanned through my short-term memory and started smiling while telling them the story of our kid picking up her little broom to clean up the kitchen unprompted. Seeing some of my habits shaped hers made me proud.
Without a doubt, kids can be a bundle of joy, but they are also a bundle of stress. My fitness tracking device clearly shows an elevated stress level during the weeks we babysit (we have a week-on, week-off schedule).
Before I met my partner, M, I had always wondered if I ever wanted to have kids. I wished someone could write in detail about what type of person would be happier with kids, so I could decide what to optimize for.
If you were like my past self, this newsletter is for you!
Happiness drops with kids
Daniel Gilbert, a social psychologist, wrote in his bestseller book 'Stumbling on Happiness':
“Numerous studies have shown that couple generally start out quite happy in their marriage and then become progressively less satisfied over the course of their life together. Returning close to their original satisfaction only when their children leave home.”
He further claimed that the primary caretakers (mostly women) are less happy when taking care of their children than when eating, exercising, shopping, napping, or watching television. In fact, looking after the kids appeared to be “only slightly more pleasant than doing housework.”
Surprised?
Let it sink in. I can tell you from my personal experience that sometimes I prefer housework because the dishes don’t repeat “I wanna eat strawberries” a million times until she gets her way. Despite many rewarding moments as a parent, the majority of the moments feel like a selfless sacrifice for someone who will take decades to become grateful.
But, nature is calling
If parenting is so hard, why would our parents keep telling us that “children bring happiness”? Natural selection is likely the answer. This popular belief is the reason why our ancestors had us in the first place. Any alternative thoughts would lead to the end of the family tree.
Evidently, many of us have parents who really love children and have many of them. However, taking advice from our own parents might be biased.
It's worth noting that cultural norms and expectations around parenting can significantly influence how parents perceive and remember their experiences. Studies have shown that people tend to underestimate the discomfort when they recall past experience. To someone whose kids are already grown-ups, those pain during the babysitting years may have already faded.
Furthermore, the prospect of becoming grandparents is exciting for many. If your parents want you to have children 'early,' you might suspect their bias and take it with the grain of salt.
My observations
Although caring for children is hard work for everyone, the tasks impacts people at different levels. If I look around, primary caregivers who are happier with having kids tend to find intrinsic joy in spending time with children and investing in a family lifestyle. Ask yourself,
Do you enjoy spending time interacting with kids? This is an important question. Kids always want to play! All they want is our attention and our time. If you find the interactions with kids, despite being repetitive and sometimes challenging, pleasant, you are in it for the long haul.
Do you enjoy family oriented lifestyle? If you think, you can be those parents on social media who travel the world with their kids, you might want to think again. The ugly truth is family trips are NOT vacations. Meanwhile if going to the neighborhood park, cooking a wholesome meal and play little game at home sounds like and ideal weekend, you have the lifestyle that fit having children.
If you feel that the above may not align with who you are today, perhaps don’t over-index on your biological clock. Committing to raising a child without enjoying it is worse than not having one at all. It’s okay to adopt one later or not have one at all. Don’t let society force-feed their preferences to you.
Personal Note
This post might make it seem like I'm dissatisfied with my own experience lol. Yes, raising a kid is challenging and it evokes a mixed bag of emotions. I do adore spending half our time with the kiddo and the other half without her. While I deeply relish playing, teaching, and witnessing kids' growth, my passion for traveling and leading a spontaneous lifestyle might have been compromised with full-time parenting. Hence, I couldn't feel more grateful for the hybrid situation today.
This post is inspired by the book 'Stumbling on Happiness,' particularly the conclusion of the book: our brain is inaccurate at imagining what would make us happy in the future. The best way to predict the happiness of a future event is to talk to someone who is currently in such a situation (rather than using our own imagination).
I hope this gives one perspective for someone who is looking for the answer of whether children would bring your more or less happiness.
“Parenting is a lifetime job and does not stop when a child grows up.” -Jake Slope
One thing to think about this week
If you haven't had children, do you want to have one? What's the primary motivation behind your decision?
If you have children, how do you feel about your happiness level? What would you share with others who may want to go through the same journey?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on it. This is a question I keep asking myself, and your unbiased tone was helpful (and not common to be honest. Most answers I have received to this quation sounded viased to me). Both having a child and not having one have their own challenges. Perhaps we can focus on the benefits of the situation we are in, and to make the best from what either one is offering us.
Like always, thank you for sharing your thoughts.